SHEILD'S OFFICAL RULES FOR LIVING WITH THE AVENGERS
by okeydokeyworld
Summary: Fury hands out these rules to all newcomers. If any of S.H.E.I.L.D'S new recruits wants to survive a day at their new job and in the presence of an iconic band of heroes, they have to abide by these rules...
1. Chapter 1

**Yep, I do not own the Avengers, pity me please.**

* * *

Looking resplendent in a leather eye patch and black trenchcoat, Director Nick Fury addressed a roomful of newly-minted S.H.E.I.L.D. agents.

"Listen up rookies!" Fury yelled, "We are glad and grateful to have you here, but before you lift one finger and do any type of work for S.H.E.I.L.D, you are going to have to read and memorize this!"

Fury held up a very thick sheaf of papers, "These are S.H.E.I.L.D'S official rules, you will each find a copy beneath your chairs, and they come complete with a therapist's number, now start reading, you rookies will have half an hour each day to look over those rules, and I want them memorized my the end of this month!"

Everyone in the room automatically reached under their chairs, and pulled up a thick puce pamphlet, on the cover of the pamphlet were the words, S.H.E.I.L.D'S OFFICAL SURVIAL GUIDELINES AND RULES, as well as a sticky note that contained the number of an extremely competent therapist.

The rookies stared at the first page of Rules in amazement, Fury grinned down at them, "Welcome to S.H.E.I.L.D !" he exclaimed gleefully, as they began to read.

* * *

 **1.** When and if the air conditioning system malfunctions, it is by no means advisable to use Loki's Jotun form as an alternate cooling unit.

 **2.** Agent Barton is not Cupid.

 **3.** Agent Coulson does not have a long-lost brother named Mycroft Holmes.

 **4.** Any vodka that happens to be on S.H.E.I.L.D premises belongs solely to Agent Romanov.

 **5.** Whatever happens between Stark and Dr. Banner while they are in their lab, stays in their lab. There will be no speculations.

 **6.** Whenever Thor is in the general vicinity, everyone is advised to keep Poptarts handy, they work like Snicker bars if Thor gets pissed off.

 **7."** Loki made me do it" is not a viable excuse for anything anymore.

 **8.** Neither is "Tony made me do it".

 **9.** Flattery does not work on Agent Wade Wilson, he is covered in scars, and he knows it.

 **10.** Personal time between Agent Coulson and his coffee must not be disturbed.

 **11.** The same thing goes for Thor and his Hammer...get your heads out of the gutter, not _that_ hammer.

 **12.** Do not try to summon Agent Barton by using bird calls.

 **13.** Loki can change his gender, when this happens, it is advisable for men to stay away, or else suffer extreme blood loss via the nose.

 **14.** In the middle of a battle, when Thor comes running in to save the day, do not yell "Whoo! Hammer time!"

 **15.** Everything Steve Rogers says will be the truth, and you are not allowed to take advantage of that.

 **16.** Decaf coffee is not, and will never be allowed within S.H.E.I.L.D. headquarters

 **17.** Merdia is not the illegitimate child of Agent Barton and Agent Romanov.

 **18.** You are never to speak about wedding dresses, snakes or horses, in front Loki or Thor.

 **19.** Agent Wade Wilson, Tony Stark, and Loki should never be left alone together, unless you feel like triggering the apocalypse.

 **20.** Director Fury must never get drunk, he was drunk _ONCE_ and he managed to get the president kidnapped and imprisoned on the moon.

 **21.** Never use a pinup of Deadpool as your computer's wallpaper, the last time that happened, the internet crashed.

 **22.** The song _Ice, Ice, Baby_ is not Loki's theme song and should never, repeat, never ever be played within his hearing. 

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That's it for now, tell me if you liked them!


	2. Chapter 2

A big thanks to all my lovely reviewers! You have motivated me to write more!  
 **I own nothing.**

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Maria Hill walked into one of the large sets of S.H.E.I.L.D locker rooms, and found a group of the new recruits huddled together, intently reading from a titanic packet of papers.

Hill smiled at them as she went to her locker, "You have Fury's rules, don't you?" she said. One of the young agents looked up at her, "Yeah, we do" he said.

"Well, you rookies better learn them, and quick, those rules help minimize the chances of any Hulk-outs." ordered Hill, as she walked out of the room carrying a black duffel bag she had retrieved from the lockers.

The rookies stared at her retreating form in utter confusion, and then looked back at the Rules, " _What is a Hulk-out"_ they all thought. Maybe the Rules could provide an answer.

* * *

 **23.** Tony Stark and Dr. Banner are not 'anti-scientists' stop referring to them as such.

 **24.** The Helicarriers should be referred to as the 'Helicarriers' _not_ as the "U.S.S Enterprise".

 **25.** There is no such thing as a 'Deadpool Drill'.

 **26.** There is however, a Hulk Drill.

 **27.** Tony Stark should never be allowed in a lab while he is drunk.

 **28.** When a national crisis arises, air-dropping Director Fury on the enemy is not a permissible course of action.

 **29.** Do not send Steve Rogers American Eagle clothing.

 **30.** Do not ask Agent Barton if he can make you omelets.

 **31.** Do not give Director Fury pirate hats.

 **32.** Do not glue jewels and glitter onto Agent Romanov's possessions to make her look more _girly,_ she WILL kill you.

 **33.** Do not try to dye Agent Barton's clothes a different color to make him look more _manly_ , purple is a very manly color.

 **34.** Yes, Agent Coulson has Captain America underwear. No, you may not use his underwear as a substitute for the American flag.

 **35.** Loki is no longer allowed to watch 'Frozen', he has developed a huge crush on Elsa.  
 **  
36.** Never accept a dare from Agent Wade Wilson, or Tony Stark.

 **37.** You are NOT allowed to hire Loki to preform magic tricks at your child's birthday.

 **38.** Agent Coulson does not have a long-lost cousin named Greg Lestrade.

 **39.** If a woman named Laura shows up at S.H.E.I.L.D demanding to see Agent Barton, take her to Agent Barton, and then preferably leave the country.

 **40.** The song, 'We are the champions' is not the Avengers theme song.

 **41.** In fact, nobody, and nothing at S.H.E.I.L.D has a theme song, stop trying to give them ones.

 **42.** Pepper Potts does not outrank or command more authority than Director Fury...except she actually does.

 **43.** Agent Romanov likes to wear other peoples' clothes while she is lounging, if she shows up in your favorite shirt, shoes, or lingerie, do not comment for your health.

 **44.** Always do what Pepper Potts says.

 **45.** Do not try to braid Thor's hair, even if he says it's okay, Jane Foster will not be okay with it.

 **46.** Director Fury does not know a person named 'Khan'.

 **47.** Agent Hill is not 'Uhura'.

 **48.** Agent Coulson is not 'Spock'.

 **49.** Stop playing 'Can you feel the love tonight' whenever Tony Stark and Steve Rogers walk into a room together, a far as we know, they are NOT a couple.

 **50.** When transporting via the Bifrost, you do not need to wear ruby slippers, and click your heels while saying "there is no place like home" to activate the Bifrost.

 **51.** A 'Hulk-Out' is a very destructive event that can be caused by mice, Loki, mismatched socks, gamma radiation, Tony Stark, T.V commercials, failed dates, and will also include Dr. Banner, in the event of a Hulk-Out, please call Agent Romanov, and then hide behnd the nearest Thunder God.

 **52.** Agent Hill keeps a large black duffel bag in her locker, its contents are unknown, and no one is advised to find out what those contents are.

"I want to know what Agent Hill Keeps in her Duffel bag" said one of the rookies.

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How were these ? please tell me !


	3. Chapter 3

**I own nothing...Jeez.  
** Lots of love to all my reviewers!  
I am amazed by how much people like these.  
And to the Dear RussianAssassin : Yes, I will do a special set of Rules for each Avenger, and especially for Bucky, Sam and Wade, they are my favorites.

* * *

It was twelve o'clock noon at S.H.E.I.L.D, and most of the new agents were gathered at the same table in one of the large cafeterias.

All of them were holding the packet of Rules on their laps. Coulson entered the room, retrieved his own lunchtray, and walked over to them.

"I am going to have to warn you not eat or drink while reading those rules" Coulson said calmly.

The rookies stared down at the papers they were holding, one woman began reading...and promptly spit out her drink.

* * *

 **53.** Sif is not Thor's ex-girlfriend.

 **54.** Agent Coulson and Darcy Lewis are not taser ninjas.

 **55.** Pepper Potts' favorite drink is not Dr. Pepper.

 **56.** Agent Wade Wilson is not a zombie, and you may not reenact zombie films with him.

 **57.** Steve Rogers may be ninety years old, but he still has the face and body of a young man, stop trying to hook him up with your grandmother.

 **58.** When parachuting, always wear a _parachute._ No matter what Steve Rogers says.

 **59.** 'Blinded by science' is not Dr. Banner's theme song, remember we warned you about theme songs.

 **60.** Never tell Tony Stark that you think his dad was hotter than him...even if that is more or less true.

 **61.** Do not ask Wanda and Peitro Maximoff any questions concerning their parents, they have serious Daddy issues.

 **62.** Yes, at one point Peitro Maximoff _did_ look different, but commenting on that subject will raise questions concerning alternate dimensions and Hugh Jackman, so keep quiet.

 **63.** If you are afraid of spiders, Wanda Maximoff is probably the reason why. There shall be no attempt to retaliate, Peitro moves _very_ fast.

 **64.** Do not play the song 'Witchy Woman' when Wanda Maximoff is around, it is _NOT_ her theme song, and you will spend the rest of your life trapped in a nightmare.

 **65.** Vision is not a Deltan, even if he doesn't have any hair.

 **66.** When rookies are going out onto the field, you should not shout "Teen Titans Go!" at them, some find it offensive.

 **67.** When Agent Bucky Barnes starts buying backpack leashes off the internet, it usually means that Steve Rogers has done something incredibly heroic and stupid...again.

 **68.** Whenever Col. Rhodes is upset or annoyed, lock him in an airplane with Tony Stark and a couple cases of wine, it's guaranteed to improve his mood.

 **69.** Do not talk about freckles, carrots, or hair dye around Agent Romanov.

 **70.** Never imply that Agent Romanov's hair is actually dyed red, and that she is not a true redhead.

 **71.** Do not ask Agent Romanov to prove that she is true redhead.

 **72.** The Tesseract is not the Arkenstone.

 **73.** Tony Stark has a habit of committing fraud with other peoples social security numbers, just because he can't remember his. Report him, if you catch him doing it.

 **74.** Agent Coulson is _not_ S.H.E.I.L.D'S housekeeper.

 **75.** Do not play the song ' Rockin' in the USA' whenever you see Steve Rogers working out in the gym.

 **76.** Falcon and Agent Barton do not have a secret cub called the 'Bird Bros'. And even if they did have such a club, you would not be allowed to join.

 **77.** Tony Stark and Dr. Banner do not have a secret club called the 'Science Bros'. And even if they did, you are not allowed to join it either.

 **78.** Steve Rogers and Agent Coulson do not have a secret club called the 'American Bros'. And even they did...well you could join their club, since it's not hazardous.

 **79.** Agent Wade Wilson and Loki do not have a secret club called the 'Mischief Bros'. And even if they did...you will be executed for treason if you try to join this club.

 **80.** S.H.E.I.L.D provides uniforms in all sizes, so it is not permissible to show up to your shift wearing nothing but a bedsheet, or your mothers drapes.

 **81.** You are not permitted to use Loki, Thor, Agent Bucky Barnes, or Agent Romanov to create your own personal makeup/shampoo commercials.

 **82.** You may not enroll Steve Rogers in a beauty pageant just so you can call him 'Mr. America'.

Coulson was kneeling on the floor now, delivering CPR to a gasping rookie. "What happened?" sad Hill as she walked in.

"He choked on his food" said Coulson.

* * *

Did anyone like these?


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank You My Awesome Reviewers!  
** I still don't own anything.  
Dear Russian Assassin, You are now a member of Bucky and Natasha's Russian Assassin's Club. PM me for details!  
Dear Guest, I hope you like the Loki/cat Rule.

* * *

"How are our new recruits, Hill? " said Fury as he imposingly paced back and forth through the senior officers lounge. "They are taking it rather well, Sir" said Hill, pulling a makeup compact from her pocket and powdering her nose.

"There have been no heart attacks, mental breakdowns, or screaming fits as of yet" said Coulson as he lounged lazily on a couch, holding a Captain America action figure and watching SuperNanny on the resident television.

"As long as they learn those Rules, they will be fine" declared Fury.

Hill and Coulson nodded in assent. Just then, giggles echoed down the hallway, and Hill could hear someone faintly yelling "Come look at this Rule!"

"Eh, they are doomed" said Coulson.

* * *

 **83.** Keep all superglue away from Agent Bucky Barnes, he keeps using it to attach parachutes to the back of Steve Rogers's uniform.

 **84.** Steve Rogers is still mourning the death of a certain Peggy Carter. And as Agent Romanov refuses to jump a grieving person, it is unlikely that any 'Romanrogers' will ever happen. But you are still allowed to dream, and check random closets.

 **85.** And while we are on the subject, **'** Clintasha' will never happen either, unless something fatal should befall Laura Barton. _DO NOT GET ANY_ IDEAS.

 **86.** Do not attempt to skydive off of the Helicarriers.  
 _  
_ **87.** Agent Romanov and Agent Bucky Barnes do not have a Russian Assassins club, and even if they did...don't get your hopes up, very few people are allowed to join.

 **88.** You are not allowed to host a 'hair flipping' contest between Thor, Loki and Sif.

 **89.** For the sake of humanity, and for your own sanity, never let Loki get drunk.

 **90.** The same goes for Agent Wade Wilson.

 **91.** A dance-off between Loki and Agent Wade Wilson should _NEVER, EVER,_ happen.

 **92.** You should never host a wet t-shirt contest with Thor, Loki, Agent Barton, Tony Stark, Fandral, and Dr. Banner. We will not be able to contain the female stampede.

 **93.** Steve Rogers's shield shall not be used as an umbrella.

 **94.** Stop using hashtags in your reports# Hashtagsarenotathourized#

 **95.** Director Fury and/or Agent Coulson are not ghosts or zombies, despite the fact that they did come back from the dead a couple of times.  
 **  
96.** Thor and Loki do not have a long-lost brother named Gale.

 **97.** Loki is in no way related to the British actor Tom Hiddleston.

 **98.** No, Tom Hiddleston is not Loki in disguise.

 **99.** Loki is not friends with the Cookie Monster.

 **100.** Do not shout "I believe I can fly!" when you see Sam Wilson in his Falcon suit.

 **101.** Loki is not the 'Voodoo Daddy.'

 **102.** Captain Crunch is not Steve Rogers's favorite cereal.

 **103.** Thor does not have magical hair that glows when he sings.

 **104.** On a side note, Thor is not Rapunzel, and Loki is not Flynn Ryder.

 **105.** If Director Fury walks in carrying a welder and a blowtorch, it usually means that Tony Stark is in **_BIG_** trouble.

 **106.** Tony Stark is not the _'Robot King'._

 **107.** Ultron is not the _'Robot King_.'

 **108.** Tony Stark and Ultron are not allowed to duel to decide who is the _'Robot King.'_

 **109.** When you tell Tony Stark not to do the _thing_... he will always do the thing.

 **110.** Don't waste your breath telling Agent Wade Wilson not to do the _thing_ ...because he already did the thing.

 **111.** Ultron is _**NOT**_ the lovechild of Tony Stark and Megatron.

 **112.** Stop buying Loki pet mice, he is not a cat, despite what the majority of human females say.

Fury's comlink beeped, Fury listened, and then headed for the door.

" Hill, Coulson, come with me, we have a situation right now" said Fury, as he exited the lounge.  
Hill and Coulson just _knew_ the 'situation' involved Tony Stark and the rookies.

* * *

You liked these, right?


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own _anything_. sigh  
To all my reviewers...Thanks!**

* * *

The S.H.E.I.L.D recruits looked around uncomfortably. They were all gathered on the top of a flying Helicarrier, the wind was rushing over them, and more than half were convinced they were going to drop to their deaths.

Tony Stark was standing in front of them, wearing a smug grin, and what suspiciously looked like one of Romanov's leather cat-suits.

He was also holding a box of rubber bands, "Attention, everyone! he screamed. " I am about to bungee-jump of this Helicarrier using only rubber bands!"

The rookies stared at him with open mouths, just then Fury, Coulson and Hill stormed into the scene, ready to begin the immediate dismemberment of the billionaire.

" I Apologize for Mr. Stark" said Coulson to the rookies, "this is not the way things are run around here."

Several of the rookies shrugged and pulled out their list of Rules, they were getting used to it.

* * *

 **113.** You cannot ask Director Fury to dress up as a pirate for Halloween.

 **114.** Do not tell rookies that Director Fury will make them 'walk the plank' if they do something wrong.

 **115.** You cannot install a plank on the Helicarriers.

 **116.** Loki does not wear Prada.

 **117.** Loki is not Asgards's next top supermodel.

 **118.** Agent Bucky Barnes is not the next top supermodel for Russian Spy Couture.

 **119.** Falcon does not give joyrides, stop asking.

 **120.** Loki does not have any friends/hookups named Sam and Dean Winchester.

 **121.** On a side note. _If_ two young men named Sam and Dean show up looking for Loki, take them to Loki...and park the Impala that the two men came in.

 **122.** Do not make Dr. Banner turn into the Hulk just so you can see him naked when he turns back...we are talking _to you_ ladies.

 **123.** Peter Parker is not a Black Widow wannabe.

 **124.** Agent Romanov is not a Spider-Man wannabe.

 **125.** Due to an incident concerning Tony Stark, a Helicarrier, and rubber bands, Tony Stark is now forbidden from even _looking_ at a bungee cord.

 **126.** When Agent Romanov comes in carrying a frying pan, gasoline, and a turkey baster, it usually means that Agent Barton is in _**BIG**_ trouble.

 **127.** Jane Foster does not know anyone named Anakin Skywalker.

 **128.** When and if Thor and Jane Foster have kids, they will _probably not_ name their kids Luke and Leia. So stop suggesting it.

 **129.** It is not necessary for Thor to shout "Come at me Bro!" when he is fighting Loki.

 **130.** The Tesseract is not the Allspark.

 **131.** Steve Rogers's shield is not the 'Frisbee of Death' or the 'Boomerang of Death'

 **132.** Thor's hammer is a weapon, you cannot use it for construction...so put that packet of nails down and find your own hammer.

 **133.** Thor is not allowed to bring Mjolinr with him to Japan. He short-circuited Tokyo last time.

 **134.** When Tony Stark gets around to marrying Pepper Potts, any sort of bachelor party is a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. **FORBBIDEN!**

 **135.** Thor cannot have a bachelor party either.

 **136.** When Agent Hill tells you to do something, _do not say_ "Bring it Sister."

 **137.** Agent Romanov is Russian, but she doesn't have an accent, so stop asking her if she can say "nuclear wessels."

 **138.** Agent Romanov does not have a long-lost son/brother/cousin named Chekov.

 **139.** Stop using fridge magnets to stick notes onto Agent Bucky Barnes's metal arm.

 **140.** If Agent Bucky Barnes is hungover, bring him coffee, morphine, a knife, a couple of parachutes, and Steve.

 **141.** We all know that Odin is a _HORRIBLE PARENT_ , but stop telling Thor to give him Migardian parenting books.

 **142.** Do not sign Odin up for parenting classes, he _'HUGGGHADEDFRRRFEFFUR'_ at the councilor.

* * *

"I am going to kill Tony Stark" growled Fury, as he slunk back into the officers lounge.

"We need to give those new recruits a special set of Rules just for Stark" said Hill.

"You never do anything bad, do you ?" said Coulson, as he looked at his Captain America Doll quizzically.

Tell me you liked them!


	6. Chapter 6

**We have discussed this...I do not own a thing!  
** To all my amazing reviewers, a huge all-encompassing HUG!  
 **I am opening up for suggestions now, if you have _any_ ideas for the Rules, feel free to suggest or request some Rules!**

* * *

"I think the rookies are finally settling in" said Hill, as she watched some of the recruits carefully preform their tasks at a computer bay.

"Yeah, but it will not be long before _someone or something_ starts shaking things up again" grunted Fury.

Coulson nodded viscously in assent, Fury stared at Coulson with concern. "You look like death Coulson, I think you need a vacation" said Hill.

"No, I am fine!" declared Coulson, "Coulson, you are stressed, a little off time won't do you any harm" Hill attempted to say.

"I am not going!" Coulson growled, as he ran out of the room. "Hill track him down, and catch him!" "I want him on a plane to the Bahamas by this afternoon!"

The rookies looked up to see Agent Coulson come running out of the officers lounge, with Agent Hill in hot pursuit. "Read your Rules!" Hill yelled as she ran past.

* * *

 **143.** Director Fury is not a Klingon in disguise, even if he _does_ act like a Klingon dictator on occasion.

 **144.** S.H.E.I.L.D does not have a 'Prime Directive'.

 **145.** Never ask Tony Stark for advice on home décor, his idea of decorating is to remodel all the Helicarriers to look like the USS Enterprise...Fury was **_NOT_** amused.

 **146.** Do not call Loki 'Mama's Boy'.

 **147.** Do not call Steve Rogers "Dutch'.

 **148.** Do not ask the Chitauri if they know any Xenomorphs/Aliens.

 **149.** You cannot use the Chitauri to do a reboot of the Predator movies.

 **150.** Coulson is not 'Commander Data.'

 **151.** Director Fury does not spend his off time listening to Michael Jackson songs at obscene volumes...except he does.

 **152.** Loki does not have a twin/half brother named Gabriel.

 **153.** Falcon and Agent Barton will not mate and lay eggs during the springtime.

 **154.** The Hulk is not responsible for the death of a Mr. Randolph.

 **155.** Agent Bucky Barnes and Col. Rhodes are not in the faction 'Dauntless'.

 **156.** Steve Rogers and Agent Coulson are not in the faction 'Abnegation.'

 **157.** Tony Stark and Agent Wade Wilson are not in the faction 'Divergent.'

 **158.** Dr. Banner and Director Fury are not in the faction 'Erudite.'

 **159.** Agent Romanov and Agent Hill are not in the faction 'Amity.'

 **160.** Pepper Potts and Thor are not in the faction 'Candor.'

 **161.** No one around here is in a faction, they all work for S.H.E.I.L.D!

 **162.** Steve Rogers **_WILL NOT_** draw you like " _One of his_ _French Girls."_

 **163.** Steve Rogers _**WILL**_ _ **NOT**_ draw Agent Bucky Barnes (" _Like one of his French Girls")_ either.

 **164.** Steve Rogers and Agent Bucky Barnes' relationship is not a discount 'Titanic,' even if one of them did fall into something freezing.

 **165.** Stop sending Steve Rogers clothes that have built in parachutes...Agent Bucky Barnes likes that _**WAY**_ too much.

 **166.** Steve Rogers does not need a tattoo of the American flag. Stop giving him ideas...that means you, _TONY_ STARK.

 **167.** Loki is not a vampire, he has _white skin, black hair, sparkling clones, he is practically immortal, and doesn't really like garlic,..._ but yeah, he is not a vampire.

 **168.** Tony Stark is not the 'Man of Steel,' his superhero name is ' _IRON MAN.'_

 **169.** You cannot, and WILL NOT, hire Agent Wade Wilson to do private strip-teases for Director Fury. Last time...people **D.I.E.D.**

 **170.** Also, stop hiring Steve Rogers to do private strip-teases for Agent Coulson, Steve Rogers does not even know what a striptease _**IS.**_

 **171.** No one is allowed to show Steve Rogers what a strip-tease is, **and _especially_** **not** Tony Stark.

 **172.** Director Fury is not Davy Jones, stop looking for his heart. Also, when Director Fury asks for a drink, do not serve him _RUM.  
_

* * *

"But I don't want to go!" screamed Coulson as he was dragged aboard a S.H.E.I.L.D plane. "This is for your own good" said Fury. "Hill, do you have the his things"

Hill came aboard the plane, carrying a bag, a straw hat, sunscreen, three Captain America towels, and rubber ducky. "All set Sir," she said.

* * *

Rule:154 is a Supernatural joke, I will write a fic for the first person to get it.  
Tell me you liked these!


	7. Chapter 7

**I have checked with my lawyer, and...I still own nothing.  
** My Dear reviewers, I love you all!  
 **As I said before, please feel free to suggest anything! you would like me to write into the Rules!**

* * *

" What a horrible day" groaned one of the rookies, as he crouched inside his cramped locker.

With Agent Coulson on an extended leave of abscense, the whole base seemed to be falling to pieces.

Because, Coulson truly was the heart and soul of S.H.E.I.L.D. And it seemed _nobody could get anything done_ without him.

Fury took out his frustrations on Tony.

Hill terrorized the rookies.

The rookies spent the remainder of Coulson's vacation days hiding in obscure basements and vents to avoid becoming the punching bags of S.H.E.I.L.D.'S senior officers.

Their only entertainment was the Rules, which they now read diligently.

* * *

 **173.** You do not need to dress up as a giant Chimichanga to make Agent Wade Wilson like you.

 **174.** There is no such thing as 'Shawarma Sunday.'

 **175.** There is no such thing as 'Tony Stark Tuesday.'

 **176.** Never take Steve Rogers _ice fishing._

 **177.** Never ask Agent Bucky Barnes to _'give you a hand.'_

 **178.** Never let Agent Barton and Agent Romanov watch the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" while they are drunk. They will attempt to reenact it.

 **179.** Tony Stark does not have another special suit called the **_'FURY-BUSTER.'_**

 **180.** Director Fury's name is spelled _F-U-R-Y **not** F-U-R-R-Y. Do not be so immature, or illiterate. _  
**  
181.** Do not attempt to celebrate _MOTHERS'_ _DAY_ with Loki.

 **182.** Pranking Tony Stark by replacing all his AC/CD t-shirts with Justin Bebier shirts, means that you are probably suicidal.

 **183.** It is not appropriate to scream "CANABALISM!" at Agent Barton whenever you see him eating chicken.

 **184.** Do not try to auction off Steve Rogers as an antique.

 **185.** You do not have to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every time Steve Rogers walks into a room.

 **186.** On April Fool's Day, Loki must be sedated and guarded by Thor. _NO EXCEPTIONS._

 **187.** Do not play "Here comes the Bride" whenever Agent Coulson starts his shift, despite contrary belief, he is not _' married to his_ work.'

 **188.** Katniss Everdeen is not the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter of Agent Barton.

 **189.** S.H.E.I.L.D headquarters is not ' _SUPER-POWER_ _ED.'_

 **190.** Agent Barton is not the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Robin Hood.

 **191.** Never take Loki horseback riding.

 **192.** If you have a pet snake, make sure Loki never finds out. He **_REALLY_** has a **_'SOFT SPOT'_** for snakes.

 **193.** Never leave Tony Stark, Agent Wade Wilson, and Loki alone in **_LOS_** _ **VEGAS,**_ last time they married each other, Pepper was _NOT_ happy.

 **194.** Never tell Agent Bucky Barnes to _'arm himself.'_

 **195.** The Avengers Tower is the _'Avengers Tower'_ it is not _"Tony Stark's and Co's Party Tower."_ Do not let Mr. Stark tell you otherwise.

 **196.** Director Fury and Johhny Depp _do not_ need to make a pirate movie together.

 **197.** Never tell Agent Romanov and Peter Parker that should be living in _Mirkwood._

 **198.** Stop calling Jane Foster 'SENATOR' or 'QUEEN OF NABOO.'

 **199.** Loki likes his martinis, _shaken not stirred,_ remember that at **ALL** costs.

 **200.** Stop calling Loki 'James Bond' or '007.'

 **201.** Agent Coulson does not have an elderly father/brother named 'Agent K'.

 **202.** Director Fury is not the father/brother/cousin/uncle of an 'Agent J' aka Will Smith.

* * *

When Coulson climbed out of his helicopter with a new tan and red, white and blue sunglasses, the rookies converged, hogtied him, and dumped him on Fury's doorstep.

* * *

You _must have liked these!_


	8. Chapter 8

**I own...nothing  
To everyone who has reviewed so far, you are a special type of wonderful, Thank You.  
And where is the RussianAssassin? I hope you got my messages!**

Suggestions, people, Suggestions!  
I want to see more of them!

* * *

Hill walked down a hallway carrying an armful of papers, when a rookie ran past her, screaming his head off.

A beige coat, a green scarf, and an umbrella were chasing him.

Hill blinked in surprise, before a look of remembrance flashed across her face.

"Dang it" Hill swore, "Don't these people read the Rules?"

* * *

 **203.** Loki's helmet is _not_ a coat-hanger, stop hanging your belongings on it. S.H.E.I.L.D is not responsible if your clothing comes to life.

 **204.** Do not challenge Loki to the 'Ice Bucket Challenge.'

 **205.** A SNICKERS bar will not calm down the Hulk, you will need to break into a chocolate factory.

 **206.** Loki did not create the 'Smurfs' They are not his midget babies.

 **207.** Do not suggest that Director Fury and Odin will make a good _couple._ You will have to deal with a ticked-off Frigga.

 **208.** Never show Agent Bucky Barnes "Once Upon A Time.'

 **209.** Dr. Bruce Banner is _NOT_ Tony Stark's 'thing.'

 **210.** Under no circumstances will you let Agent Bucky Barnes _**die.**_ Do what you must, but remember _Bucky Barnes cannot die...ever._

 **211.** Never let Tony Stark dress up as Sherlock Holmes for Halloween. There will be no explanations, just _**DON'T LET HIM!**_

 **212.** Steve Rogers does not need "Life Alert."

 **213.** Steve Rogers does _NOT_ know French, even if he says ( _in_ _French)_ that he does, so therefore, he cannot talk to you sexily in _French. Stop_ asking.

 **214.** Steve Rogers _did not_ have **fire powers** in another life.

 **215.** Do not let Agent Barton watch 'Brave.'

 **216.** Do not attempt to compare the Helicarriers to the Batmobile. You will be punched by Agent Coulson.

 **217.** Do not start a prank war between S.H.E.I.L.D agents, you will be deliberately inviting homicide.

 **218.** **_Do not_** leave Legos on the floor of Dr Banner's lab, you will trigger a green apocalypse.

 **219.** Dr. Bruce Banner and Bruce Wayne do not need to start dating. They have nothing in common except for their first names.

 **220.** Dr. Bruce Banner and Bruce Wayne do not need to start a boyband together. And Tony Stark is _**F.O.R.B.I.D.D.E.N**_ from funding this boyband. Stop suggesting it.

 **221.** You cannot take Thor with you to Ikea, just so he can help you pronounce the names of all the furniture.

 **222.** Agent Romanov knows ballet, but she also knows how to kill people. The next person to play the song "Moves Like Jagger" when she walks into a room...will die.

 **223.** Agent Barton, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, and Dr. Banner did not form a boyband together. And Agent Coulson does _not_ go and watch Steve Rogers sing.  
 **  
224.** If you value your life, _do not_ switch Director Fury and Odin's eyepatches.

 **225.** Tony Stark does not have a PHD in awesomeness. Do not let him tell you otherwise.

 **226.** Do not eat Girl Scout cookies in front of Steve Rogers and Agent Bucky Barnes, they like to steal and hoard those types of cookies.

 **227.** Tony Stark likes to build prosthetics for disabled S.H.E.I.L.D agents. But that does not give you permission to cut off your limbs so he can build you one too.

 **228.** You are not allowed to make charts that monitor and display each Avenger's "Bad-Ass-Ness" levels.

 **229.** You are not allowed to hum the 'Mission Impossible" theme song during covert missions. You will blow your cover, and then you will be _dealt_ with by Director Fury.

 **230.** Tony Stark only allows Tony Stark-made devices to be used in his presence. Anything else is an insult to him. So that means no _Apple phones, laptops or_ tablets.

 **231.** If you have pet birds, hide them from Thor. He is an _ANGRY_ BIRDS fanatic.

 **232.** _NEVER, EVER, EVER_ refer to the Helicarriers as the **' _BATMOBILE'_** Director Fury will go ballistic . _  
_

 **233.** Never ask Agent Wade Wilson and Loki to pose for a pin-up calendar.

 **234.** Steve Rogers shield is not to be used as a snack platter.

 **235.** Do not try to host a Hunger Games with the Avengers and S.H.E.I.L.D operatives.

 **236.** Agent Barton will not put on a black dress and the Falcon's wings just so he can pretend to be the ' _Mockingjay'_ for the aforementioned Hunger Games.

 **237\. DO NOT MESS WITH _THE LOLA_**. Agent Coulson loves that car with a love that is identical to Dean Winchester's love for a certain Impala.

 **238.** If You are a fan of Captain America, keep it hidden. Agent Coulson will force you to become his friend.

 **239.** Turkeys are delivered to S.H.E.I.L.D premises for Thanksgiving. Do not tell Agent Barton that he needs to go out and hunt turkeys for the senior officers dinner.

 **240.** Agent Barton cannot be use as a substitute turkey.

 **241.** Do not tell Peter Parker to prove his worth. He will do the most craziest and fatal things in order to _prove himself._

 **242\. Stop _sacrificing_ Agent Wade Wilson to Odin. Really, just stop. Odin is not a Rugaru.**

* * *

"Get it off!" the rookie screamed, as his own coat tried to strangle him.

Coulson stood nearby, taking selfies with his Captain America figurine.

"You will be fine" he told the rookie in a comforting tone.

"Loki won't stay mad for long."

* * *

I hope...no...I know you liked these?


	9. Chapter 9

**I own nothing...I am trying to embezzle from Stark industries .**

My dear reviewers, I got this chapter out in record time for you!

 **Dear Zeta173:  
Deadpool isn't an official agent of S.H.E.I.L.D, but he teams up with them now and then when he isn't going rouge.  
He is called "Agent" during those times for the sake of everyone's sanity.**

* * *

"I want a divorce" Hill growled as she stomped into Fury's office.

Fury didn't even look up from the huge stack of papers he was signing.

"What did the rookies do now?" Fury asked.

"Some wise-guy decided to play _Jenga_ with Bruce, despite everything the Rules said" snapped Hill. "The Hulk is tearing down the walls now."

"Fly Natasha in, and take care of that rookie, I will call Tony's bank" said Fury, reaching for a phone.

* * *

 **243.** You are not allowed to play the game of Jenga with Dr. Banner. Walls will be destroyed. The Hulk doesn't like walls.

 **244.** You are not allowed to dye your hair blonde, wrap yourself in nothing but the American flag, sneak into Agent Coulson's room, and tell him that you have been sent by Steve Rogers to (and we quote) _"Fulfill all his dreams."_

 **245.** Odin does not have a long-lost brother named Crowley.

 **246.** The song " Wanted Dead or Alive" is not Deadpool's theme song.

 **247.** The laws of physics apply to _everything and everyone._ Tony Stark and Dr. Banner are not exempt from the laws of physics, no matter what they or their experiments say to the contrary.

 **248.** S.H.E.I.L.D will not rename any of its Helicarriers the _"Nemesis"_ or the _"Nostromo"_ or the _" Millenium Falcon."_ _You are not allowed to petition._

 **249.** Do not ask Thor if he can take you to the planet ' _Cybertron.'_

 **250.** Tony Stark and the Autobot Ratchet will _probably not_ become best buddies. Do not try to hook them up.

 **251.** Do not play the song " _Enter_ _Sandman"_ around Peter Parker. Sad memories and all that. Also...he will hang you upside down from the Brooklyn Bridge.

 **252.** Peter Parker and Agent Wade Wilson are **_NOT_** romantically involved. You do not need to give them Valentines Day off for some _ **"ALONE**_ _**TIME."**_

 **253.** Do not challenge Thor to a drinking game. It is a Big No-No on your part. Thor _will cheat_ and use Asgardian alcohol.

 **254.** Do not play the "Psycho" music whenever Agent Wade Wilson or Loki walks into a room.

 **255.** You cannot commission art pieces from Steve Rogers, and then try to sell them to a museum.

 **256.** You may not take nude pictures if Steve Rogers, and then attempt to sell them to Agent Coulson.

 **257.** Do not ask Loki if he can _"MoonWalk."_

 **258.** You are not allowed to give Loki the number of a suicide hotline, Thor still hasn't gotten over the whole LokiFallingTheOffMarioBridge# episode.

 **259.** There is no 'Sexiest Alien of the Year' award on Time. Do not tell Thor that there is. Besides he wouldn't win it...Loki would.

 **260.** Do not introduce Loki to fashion designers.

 **261.** Do not introduce Loki to emo teens...he would take over the world in _three days flat._

 **262.** Director Fury did not poke out his eye with a mascara wand, while cross-dressing for a mission. We have warned you not to believe anything Mr. Stark says.

 **263.** You may not create theories on how Director Fury lost his eye.

 **264.** Do not try to give Director Fury hair-growth treatments.

 **265.** Do not ask Steve Rogers to pose in various positions on Lola's hood, then take pictures of him and make them into a calendar for Agent Coulson. He will have a heart attack.

 **266.** Do not salute Agent Barton with three fingers and a whistle.

 **267.** Do not call Odin "President Snow."

 **268.** Pepper Potts is _not_ Frigga's illegitimate child, despite what Tony Stark would have you believe.

 **269.** Under no circumstances are you to call Agent Barton, 'Agent Aaron Cross' there are parts of his life that Agent Romanov, and _only Agent Romanov should know about._

 **270.** Do not ask Agent Romanov to teach you "Her Moves". She will _move_ you out a window.

 **271.** Do not ask Loki to read you Shakespeare. He will insist on acting out the plays with you. Blood, murder, and tragic love included.

 **272.** Do not ask Thor if Loki is going to be his best man when he marries Jane Foster. You will probably end up being the flower girl.

* * *

Fury should have known better than to get Tony Stark involved at all, especially when it concerned Bruce Banner.

The very next week, toy companies began releasing Stark-endorsed Jenga game boxes. 

* * *

You loved these...and nobody can tell me otherwise...not even you!


	10. Chapter 10

_**We have been through all this, people, I do not own ANYTHING.  
**_ Sorry for the long wait everyone, my computer broke, and I have had a hell of a time getting a new one.  
To all my reviewers out there, thanks for your patience! And of course, all your lovely reviews.

 **Dear laura118b:  
You are right, I made a mistake there, thanks for telling me, but I am just going to leave it like  
that now, because I like the idea of Deadpool dressing up for Peter.**

* * *

"Give me a D!" Deadpool screamed at the S.H.E.I.L.D rookies. "D!" the rookies screamed.

"Give me an E!" Deadpool yelled. "E!" shouted the rookies.

"Give me an A!" Deadpool screamed again "A!" the rookies yelled back.

"Give me another D!" shouted Deadpool. "D!" everyone screamed.

"Give me an...

From a distance Coulson, Fury and Hill watched. "Why are those rookies acting like a high school cheerleading team?" said Hill.

"Wade wants to be praised in style" answered Coulson.

"Why don't these people just follow those RULES?" Hill growled in exasperation.

* * *

 **273.** Do not steal Director Fury's clothes and eye patch, and then replace them with a glass eye, brown robes, and a Tony Stark-made light saber. Loki was joking when he said that Director Fury was a Jedi in another universe.

 **274.** Agent Romanov trained under Agent Bucky Barnes in the Red Room. Whatever happened during those training sessions is a mystery. Agent Romanov doesn't want to talk about it, and Agent Bucky Barnes doesn't remember, so we will never know if ' _ **WinterWidow'**_ aactually happened or not. Do not ask or speculate.

 **275.** You cannot make Thor listen to the song "Born to be Wild" just so he can hear the lyrics " I like smoke and lighting and HEAVY METAL THUNDER" he will not get it.

 **276.** Do not try to convince Steve Rogers that the movie 'Inglorious Basterds' represented how his war ended.

 **277.** When a superior officer tells you to do something, you do it. You do not say, " Steve Rogers won't like it if I do that."

 **278.** Director Fury does not have a friend that is tiny, green, and uses a deadly glowstick. And this friend does _**NOT**_ go by the name of _**YODA**_ , by the way. Director Fury will not introduce him to you, no matter how much you ask. You are not the person who will bring balance to the force.

 **279.** You are not allowed to drug Steve Rogers and Agent Bucky Barnes and place them in compromising positions together. No, it dosen't matter how much you want them to get together and make "STUCKY" real.

 **230.** You do NOT need to throw a huge party for Steve Rogers on the Fourth of July.

 **231.** Do not ask Tony Stark to help plan your child's birthday, you will end up being arrested for child endangerment.

 **232.** Ladies, if you are getting married, do not ask Agent Romanov or Agent Hill to be your bridesmaids, your future husband will probably end up dead.

 **233.** Do not ask Dr. Banner to manufacture makeup for you. You end up being able to blink your lips.

 **234.** Reading all of Shakespeare's plays does not qualify you to be one of Thor's handlers, no matter what Tony Stark says.

 **235.** Tony Stark does not need to start his own heavy metal rock band. You are not allowed to even THINK of the idea.

 **236.** Do not ask Dr. Banner or Loki to make you love potions, unless you want Director Fury or Odin dropping to their knees and declaring their undying love for you.

 **237.** Do not ask Steve Rogers if he would like to chocolate fondue.

 **238.** Do not put female birds in Falcon or Agent Barton's beds. They will not appreciate your attempts to find them true love.

 **239.** Agent Hill does not have a long-lost sister/cousin/daughter/ named Jody Mills.

 **240.** Agent Romanov does not have a long-lost sister/cousin/daughter named Charlie Bradbury.

 **242.** You are not allowed to cut up an American flag and use it to make bedsheets for Agent Coulson.

 **243.** If Agent Wade Wilson runs in yelling "There's a troll in the dungeon !" And then falls down, evacuate the premises IMMEDIATELY..

 **244.** Do not yell "May the odds be ever in your favor !" At Agent Barton.

 **245.** Do **_NOT_** use Loki's helmet as a back-scratcher.

 **246.** There is no such game called " _Pin The Tesseract On Loki"_ and even if there was, it would not be advisable to play this game within a 50-mile radius of him.

 **247.** You are not allowed to teach Loki the lyrics to " **LET IT GO" _UNDER. ANY. CIRCUMSTANCES._**

 **248.** Do not ask Agent Bucky Barnes to play, tennis/hockey/golf/and or _**BASEBALL**_ with you. You will inevitably lose. He has a- _SUPER-POWERED_ metal arm...REMEMBER!

 **249.** You are not allowed to replace each and every S.H.E.I.L.D ignisia with the Starfleet or Mockingjay symbol, no matter how much Tony Stark pays you.

 **250.** Do not hang mistletoe on the horns of Loki's helmet, and then use it as an excuse to go around kissing him. _**THOR. WILL. NOT. BE. HAPPY.**_

 **251.** You are not allowed to graffiti the stars and stripes onto Steve Rogers's bedroom walls, he doesn't find it funny anymore.

 **252.** You are not allowed to tie up Steve Rogers and leave him in **_LOLA'S_** backseat.

 **253.** Do not flirt with Agent Romanov, or you will get an arrow through the leg.

 **254\. You are not allowed to join Deadpool's cheerleading team.**

 **255.** Do not play tag with Pietro Maximoff.

 **256.** The Hulk gives really good massages, but he only gives them to Agent Romanov, so don't ask him for one.

 **257.** Do not refer to Loki as _**THE HULK'S CHEW-TOY.**_

 **258.** Do not offer Loki any drinks, Tony Stark is the only person who Loki accept liquor from.

 **259.** Stop whacking Director Fury and Agent Coulson with iron bars, we already said that they are NOT ghosts.

 **260.** Do not handcuff Director Fury and Agent Wade Wilson together, because the apocalypse will start if you do.

 **261.** Do not ask Agent Romanov if she has ever been involved in remodeling a _ZOO._

 **262\. Do not refer to Agent Coulson as the AMERCAIN FANGIRL.**

* * *

"Give me a P!" yelled Deadpool.

"Let's go" Fury said in disgust.

Despite Fury's disapproval, the rookies immediately took to Deadpool. He became the insane uncle they never knew they wanted.

* * *

You liked these so much!...Right?


	11. Chapter 11

**I own nothing...you know that I own nothing.**

My sincere thanks to each and every one of my reviewers.  
You keep these Rules alive!

 **Sorry about the long wait.**

* * *

Hill walked into one of the rookies' training rooms with a bag full of weights, ready to start the training for that day.

But the rookies weren't dutifully preforming exercises, instead a boombox was playing "Cotton Eye Joe" at an obscene volume, and Deadpool was dancing Gangham style to it, while the rookies screamed and cheered as if they were at a concert.

"Read the Rules!" Hill screamed at them.

* * *

 **313.** Deadpool does not possess the cure for blindness, so stop asking him for it.

 **314.** Do not play the song "American Girl" when Steve Rogers is around.

 **315.** Do not sing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" when Agent Barton is practicing with his bow and arrows.

 **316.** Keep any and all government representatives _**A.W.A.Y.**_ from Tony Stark. he likes to sign random papers that they give him.

 **317.** You are not allowed to dye Wanda Maximoff's clothes various shades of red. Her superhero name is Scarlet Witch, but that does not mean she has to wear red _**everything**_ all the time.

 **318.** Pietro Maximoff is _not_ dead. He is going under the name _Peter,_ and is on a quest to find his _father, while fighting off something called an_ Apocalypse... ** _SO STOP SAYING HE IS DEAD!...JEEZ PEOPLE!_**

 **319.** Do not call Falcon "Sir Altitude."

 **320.** Do not play the song "Break On Through To The Other Side" when the Hulk is present.

 **321.** Agent Bucky Barnes is Steve Roger's one true BFF, no matter what Sam Wilson or Tony Stark may say to the contrary.

 **322.** If you own a motorcycle, Do. Not. Let... Agent Bucky Barnes borrow/or use it.

 **323.** Do not imply that Peter Parker and Scott Lang will become BFFs, unless you want a pissed-off Deadpool chasing you.

 **324.** Stop ripping pictures of Ant-Man in half in front of Agent Bucky Barnes.

 **325\. STEVE ROGERS HAS NEVER, IN ANY SIZE, SHAPE, OR FORM BEEN A NAZI, AND/OR MEMEBER OF HYDRA. The idiots who spread this rumor will be found and executed...um...punished.**

 **326.** Do not try to give The Black Panther... _ **BALLS OF YARN!**_ He is not a cat, he only dresses as one.

 **327.** Stop chasing Black Panther around with a laser pointer.

 **328.** Steve Rogers does not have a long-lost brother named Alfred F. Jones.

 **329.** Steve Rogers does not have a long-lost _older_ brother named Arthur Kirkland.

 **330.** Black Widow and Catwoman are not sisters.

 **331.** Black Widow and Catwoman are not in a secret relationship.

 **332.** You are not allowed to make "sexy" videos that involve Steve Rogers and a helicopter. The same goes for Bucky Barnes and motorcycles.

 **33** **3.** Thor has never fought a Hellhound.

 **334.** Loki _has_ fought a Hellhound, and _won,_ but don't tell Thor that.

 **335.** Steve Rogers, Agent Bucky Barnes, Thor, and James Logan, are not allowed to have drinking contests with Asgardian alcohol anymore, because **_T.H.I.N.G.S_** will happen.

 **336.** You are not allowed to throw a Pirate-themed birthday party for Director Fury.

 **337.** Do not ask Jane Foster about her previous boyfriends/husbands. I think you _KNOW_ what I mean.

 **338.** Agent Bucky Barnes and T'Challa are not starting a relationship! Besides, what would you call them? "Tucky?" "Chucky?" "T'Chucky?" "Bar-alla?" "Bulla?" "T'Barnes?" "T-Bone?" "T-Bucky?" "Tarnes?" "WinterPanther?" "Arm-and-Kitty?"

 **339.** Director Fury does not have a fetish for pirate clothes.

 **340.** Agent Romanov does not have a long-lost brother named Ivan, who has purple eyes and always wears a scarf.

 **341.** Agent Romanov does not have a boyfriend named Gilbert.

 **342.** Do not use Steve Rogers's shield as a substitute snowboard, just don't. As you should all know, ice and Steve don't mix well at all.

 **343.** The next person who thinks it will be funny to tape pictures of Grumpy Cat all over Director Fury's office, will consequently be taped to the wall and used as a dartboard.

 **344.** Do not try to cut Thor or Bucky's hair while they are asleep. Bucky will hold you, while Thor and his hammer treats you as a piñata.

 **345.** You may not call Agent Romanov "Barbie" and Steve Rogers "Ken."

 **346.** You are not allowed under **_A.N.Y_** circumstances to sing The Barbie song in S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters.

 **347.** You are not allowed to talk about that time when Director Fury, Agent Coulson and Maria Hill went out and got drunk together.

 **348.** You cannot give the Tesseract to Loki, just so he can use it a nightlight.

 **349.** Despite what others might say, Pietro Maximoff is not a fan of high-speed chases.

 **350.** You are not allowed to paint the Autobot symbol on ANY of Tony Stark's suits.

 **351.** Steve Rogers did not learn French from someone named Francis Bonnefoy.

 **352.** You are not allowed to install old-fashioned cannons on the Helicarriers, hang up the Jolly Roger flag, and then come to work dressed like Jack Sparrow.

 **353\. If you see Tony Stark run by, chasing Bucky Barnes while dressed as Inigo Montoya, report him immediately to Director Fury, and then run.  
**

 **354.** You cannot ask Tony Stark to make you real Pokémon.

 **355.** Do not sell your DVD copy of Pacific Rim to Tony Stark, no matter how much he pays you. He is not allowed to watch that movie anymore. **R.E.A.P.E.A.T** Tony does not need to see that movie, he saw it once and went robot-suit-crazy.

 **356\. Do not sign Agent Romanov up for swimsuit contests. If you value your life, just don't.  
**

 **357.** You cannot hire Steve Rogers to chop wood for you.

 **358.** You are not allowed to replace all of Agent Barton's weapons with Nerf bows and foam arrows.

 **359.** Don't set up swear jars around S.H.E.I.L.D headquarters. Last time, Deadpool filled the jars with rather unmentionable objects and liquids.

 **360.** Jack Frost is not Loki's son.

 **361.** You cannot use Steve Rogers as a replacement American Flag, even if Agent Coulson approves it.

 **362.** Agent Hill does not have Tris's Divergent tattoo.

 **Bonus Rule. Playing the song "Cotton Eye Joe " will attract Deadpool. SO DON'T PLAY IT !**

* * *

Hill trained alone that day, and her session in the shooting range mostly consisted of her blowing apart life-size cardboard Deapool cutouts.

And re-reading the Rules.


	12. Chapter 12

**I own nothingggggggggg!  
** Thanks to everyone of you!  
Happy 4th of July!

* * *

Hill felt an horrible sense of Deja-vu as a screaming rookie ran past her in the hallway. She peered down the hallway, and saw a sentient blob of silly string chasing the poor rookie.

Hill quickly consulted her ever-present list of Rules.

"Just read the Rules!" "Read the Rules!" she screamed after the rookie.

* * *

363.

No"Yo Mama" jokes around Loki and Thor, unless you want to be turned into an enchanted pancake.

 **364.** Odin is not a secret crossroads demon.

 **365.** No matter what Deadpool tells you, you are real, you are not a fictional/comic book character, and you are not being used by a perverted fanfiction author for her own personal gain.

 **366\. You are not allowed to dress up as a chicken and run after Agent Barton while screaming "LET ME LOVE YOU!"**

 **367.** Thor does not run a Pop-tart black market in the basement of S.H.E.I.L.D headquarters. Stop spreading this rumor, Odin and Fury are getting _concerned._

 **368.** Director Fury is terrified of Teletubbies, you may not use this fact to your advantage.

 **369.** Loki does **_not_** crossdress as Elsa when he is bored.

 **370.** When Loki wants to go snow boarding... ** _YOU. TAKE. HIM. SNOWBOARDING!_**

 **371.** Loki did not learn how to play ice hockey from someone named Matthew Williams.

 **372\. Do not yell "WHAT TEAM!" at Tony or Steve, its not funny anymore.**

 **373.** Stop asking Frigga to sew you things out of her old curtains.

 **374.** Do not call Loki "Green Goblin" anymore. Deadpool will start yelling about copyright, and film titles.

 **375.** Do not tell Deadpool to "Give you a hand" he will take this as an incentive to cut off his own hand and give it to you.

 **376.** Do not let Deadpool start a conga line, the people who were involved in his last conga line were hospitalized for third-degree burns and frostbite.

 **377.** On Loki's birthday, if Frigga shows up with a enormous cake and the San Diego Zoo, it is in your best interests to get out of the way, and let Frigga and any other Asguardians present to celebrate with Loki in peace.

 **378.** You may not TPing the Helicarriers. No matter what Deadpool says he has on you.

 **379.** If you have kids, or any sort of small relative, do not leave their Easy-Bake ovens lying around. Thor will take it and try to bake Pop-tarts with it.

 **380.** Tony Stark can make functional lasers out of a flashlight and Pepper's earrings. However, it is not advisable for you to try to do the same with your jewelry.

 **381.** Do not buy alien guns off of Thor, and then give them to Agent Coulson.

 **382.** When Steve Rogers was in Germany, he did not meet a German man named Ludwig.

 **383.** If Agent Romanov or Agent Hill are in bad mood, offer them chocolate on a golden platter, and then run to the nearest bomb shelter.

 **384.** Do not mention a Vanessa, or imply that a Vanessa may be in danger, unless you want a to be stuffed in an antique cannon by Deadpool and shot off into the horizon.

 **385.** If Steve Rogers shows up wearing an old leather bomber jacket and glasses, and listening to "Born in the USA" just leave him alone, he is probably in a patriotic coma.

 **386.** Whenever you see Agent Barton eating fried eggs, you are not allowed to yell, **"Why are you betraying your brethren!" at him.**

 **387.** Do not attempt to Silly-string Loki. He will make the silly-string come to life.

 **388.** You are not allowed to re-name one of the Heli-carriers the 'Black Pearl." Director Fury will not be amused.

 **389.** Do not embellish Director Fury's clothes with pirate paraphernalia. He will throw a fit.

 **390.** Do not let Thor and Loki watch the Lion King. Thor will cry for three days, and won't be able to finish the movie, and Loki will rant about betrayed sons and stolen kingdoms for the duration of the film.

 **391.** Do not invite Ant-Man on picnics.

 **392.** We do not talk about the time that Thor and Loki dressed in drag and married off Thor to a rival king, just so Thor could rescue his hammer.

 **Bonus Rule:** **Never tell Jane Foster that Thor cares more about his hammer then her. THAT HAMMER WILL GO MISSING, WORTHINESS BE DAMNED.  
**

* * *

Hill sat in the officers lounge, reading out the Rules to the hapless rookie, who was entangled in strands of pink silly-string. 

* * *

Look at me...and tell me you liked these.


	13. Chapter 13

_I own nothing, everybody knows this.  
PS: I have a Poll going on that concerns the Rules, swing by and give it vote for me?  
_

* * *

"What!" Hill **shrieked.** The poor rookie in front of her flinched backwards, _maybe_ it had been a bad idea to tell Agent Hill that they had blown up the commissary _again._

"Didn't you read the 'BLEEPING' Rules? You are not allowed to bring explosives into the commissary!" Hill yelled.

"Ummm...no." said the rookie. "We...uh...explosives were not involved, Jake just left his (METAL) spoon and fork on his plate when he put it into the microwave."

"I'M SORRY!" screamed the rookie as he ran away from a **_seething_** Hill.

* * *

 **393.** Do not ever, bring explosives into the commissary. _**E.V.E.R**_ **.**

 **394.** Agent Barton does not have a younger sister/daughter/cousin/niece named Mey-Rin.

 **395.** Do not allow Thor or the Hulk to play Pokémon-Go. Just don't.

 **396.** Steve Rogers does not have a long-lost brother named Matthew Williams.

 **397.** Heimdall does not have a long-lost son/brother named Frozone, and said son is not best friends with Loki.

 **398.** If a woman named Edna Mode shows up at S.H.E.I.L.D headquarters, keep her away from any uniforms, and supersuits.

 **399.** Deadpool is banned from listening to Michael Jackson songs. ONE WORD: ZOMBIES.

 **400.** Deadpool's alternate codename is not the: _"Dope-Ass Fresh Prince,"_ and you will not refer to him as such, no matter what Tony Stark says.

 **401.** There is no such game called 'Tony Stark Says.'

 **402\. When the circus is in town, do not let Agent Barton get within a hundred miles of the place. If you must, chain him down, pump him full of sedatives, and barricade the vents.**

 **403.** Fingernail clippings are not, and cannot be used as weapons, no matter what Agent Barton may have done in the past.

 **404\. After an event concerning a microwave and Bucky's arm, only plastic cutlery is allowed in the commissary.**

 **405.** Loki did not hook up with an alien girl on an alien planet, and father the Na'vi.

 **406\. We don't talk about those old 1940 videos of Steve.**

 **407.** Loki did not hook up...with...Tony...at...one...point...or...the...other... _DO NOT LET THOR HEAR THAT RUMOR.  
_

 **408.** You do not need to schedule Tony and Steve in for couples therapy, as we are sure that this whole "Civil War" thing will blow over _real quickly._

 **409.** If you walk into Director Fury's office, and see a zebra skin on the desk, find Tony Stark and throttle him. Strangulation will be a much more quicker death than what Fury will have planned for him.

 **410.** You cannot steal Loki and Odin's staffs and use them to play Quidditch.

 **411.** Do not try to sell Loki's helmet on Etsy. It should go on eBay instead.

 **412.** No 12% jokes around Tony.

 **413\. You cannot throw Agent Romanov, Agent Barnes, Sam Wilson, Sharon Carter, and Tony Stark into an Hunger Games esque arena, and tell them to fight to the death. The last person living will not become Steve Rogers's best friend, BFF, lover, Supersolider Bro, or boyfriend/girlfriend.**

 **414.** Don't let Loki manufacture Halloween costumes, you should know why this a bad idea.

 **415.** Do. Not. Under. Any. Circumstances. Watch. Horror. Movies. With. Deadpool. We will not expound further on this.

 **416.** There is no such day called "Talk 40's Slang In Honor Of Steve Rogers" day.

 **417.** When Director Fury gives you an order, you do not respond with "Aye Captain."

 **418.** Do not call your fellow officers "mateys."

 **419.** If Jane Foster is kind enough to show you some of the photos from her old yearbooks, do not ask her why she is wearing such odd hairstyles and clothing in those pictures.

 **420.** "I Can't Wait To Be King" is not Loki's new theme song.

 **421.** Do not try to start a "Red-Headed League" with Agent Romanov and Pepper Potts.

 **422.** Do not ask Steve Rogers if he can paint/draw with all the colors of the wind.

 **423.** Stop trying to get Steve Rogers to make Doritos commercials.

 **424\. Do not attempt to sing the song "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" to Agent Romanov.**

 **425.** When Bruce Banner walks into a room, you are not allowed to scream "Bill Nye the Science Guy!", and glomp him.

 **426.** Do not put Tony Stark's old arc reactor into a chest and tell Director Fury that it is " _THE HEART OF DAVY JONES."_

 **427.** Do not play the song "Thanks For The Memories" around Agent Bucky Barnes.

 **428.** Do not try to enforce a dress code. The Hulk loses his pants every time he goes green, Tony Stark shows up wearing pajamas, Director Fury wears an eyepatch, Agent Romanov basically cosplays as Catwoman, and Steve Rogers's suit is practically sewn out of the American flag. A dress code is useless.

 **429.** Director Fury doses not have a crush on Frigga.

 **430.** Stop asking Hydra if they can brainwash someone into being your boyfriend.

 **431.** Agent Romanov does not have long-lost cousin named Madame Red. Or a long-lost cousin named Grell.

 **432.** Steve Rogers does not have a long-lost twin brother named Clark Kent.

 **BONUS RULE: DO NOT SAY OR IMPLY THAT CLINT BARTON IS NOT A REAL SUPERHERO, AGENT ROMANOV WILL DO THINGS TO YOU.  
**

* * *

 **"** Come back and read these Rules like a man!" Hill yelled after the fleeing rookie.

* * *

Yep. You loved these. _**Attention, the next set of Rules that I post will be a special chapter devoted entirely to Tony Stark. Thought I'd give you a heads up darlings!**_

Thanks.


	14. Chapter 14

**I don't own a single stankin' thing!  
I'm sorry I took so long getting these out to you!**

* * *

"Attention all S.H.E.I.L.D recruits!" thundered Fury's voice through the P.A system. All of the rookies stopped and glanced up nervously, wondering what exactly they had done wrong this time.

"Immediately proceed to the nearest cafeteria!" Fury continued. "We have just finished printing a specialized set of Rules, and you must obtain your copy at once!"

Fearfully, all the rookies filed in the closet commissary. Hill was present, already handing out packets of paper. The rookies took their assigned packet, and retreated to separate tables to read them.

When they flipped open the folder, they were met by this title:

 **Official List Of Things Tony Stark Is Not Allowed To** Do.  
If at any time you discover or see Mr. Stark performing any of the actions on this list, report him, or stop him.

* * *

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Go near Agent Bucky Barnes while holding a magnet.

 **Tony Stark is** **not allowed to:** Manufacture and sell life-sized piñatas of Director Fury.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Program Jarvis to talk and sound like a farmer with a southern accent. Clint was not amused.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Detach and withhold Agent Bucky Barnes's metal prosthetic arm. His claims that it is for 'science' will no longer be tolerated or believed.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Paint the Hulk-Buster armor green, as, and we quote; "A tribute to the Hulk."

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Build anyone, fully functional 3D Maneuver Gear.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Make Stark Tower look like a huge, bedazzled pine tree for Christmas.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Attempt to seduce Loki...again. **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Change lightbulbs.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Visit a junkyard, he will try to reformat each and every piece of scrap he sees.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Visit science conventions. HE WILL MAKE EVERYONE THERE CRY.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Put Captain America figurines in ice cube trays, then freeze them and serve them in Agent Coulson's drinks.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Attempt to seduce Steve Rogers...again.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Give the Helicarriers warp capability.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Build a Hulk-sized playground. The Hulk does not find it very funny anymore.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Write Sherlock Holmes fanfiction.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Yell "Pikachu!" every time Thor walks in.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Watch Mythbusters.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Watch those old 80's Transformer cartoons.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Create an army of robotic Minions.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Design weapons with Rocket. Moons will blow up.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Post anything on YouTube.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Hold antique roadshows with Steve as the centerpiece.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Refer to Loki as the Matrix Babe.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Watch Full Metal Alchemist.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Manufacture mechanical pencils. They came to life and started graffitiing everything in sight.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Try to deduce people.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Post vines of anything.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Watch Mystery Science Theater 1000.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Open a chain of Sharwarma restaurants .

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Go sky-diving. Calling Veronica every time he jumps off the plane is just showing off.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Call Bucky Locutus.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Use Loki as his personal ice-maker. Thor was _pissed._

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Play Cluedo anymore.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Try to play the violin.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Go near a microwave. He is _IRON MAN. THINGS. WILL. EXPLODE._

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Spend a lot of time with Jane Foster. They will either elope, or start opening portals to a galaxy far, far, away.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Build a Ground Bridge, Space Bridge, or any other kind of Transformers Prime-esque inspired bridge.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Open a rib joint.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Give his suits warp capability.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Give his cars warp capability.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Give Falcon's suit warp capability.

 **Tony Stark s not allowed to:** Give Pietro Maximoff warp capability.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Give anything warp capability.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Turn Director Fury's eyepatch into a multi-purpose weapon.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Rename Jarvis to Teletran One.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Rename Jarvis to Sebastian.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Hold bullfighting matches using Thor's cape and Loki's helmet.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Play Call of Duty.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Prank call S.H.E.I.L.D headquarters anymore.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Barbecue anything anymore. His new and improved barbeque pit became sentient and went cow-tipping.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Babysit anyone's children. The last thing we need is a generation's worth of mini-Starks running around.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Visit London unsupervised.

 **Tony stark is not allowed to:** Build a flying mini-bar and have it follow Loki around. Loki doesn't want that drink.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Run away when Bucky comes into the room, screaming that he doesn't want to be assimilated into the Borg.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Fly to the Eiffel Tower on Christmas and hang a huge bouquet of mistletoe from it.

 **Tony Stark is not allowed to:** Sign all his papers as Tony Stank.

* * *

I know you liked these...awww, come on, tell me you liked them!

That's all I could think of right now for Tony, but as soon as think of more I will give you another 'Tony Is Not Allowed' chapter.

Next up on Not Allowed: Vision!


	15. Chapter 15

**DISC: I own; guess what? NOOOOOOTHING!**

* * *

The rookie ran by, with an irate Clint in hot pursuit.

In his haste to get away from the murderous archer, and by extension, his loaded bow, the rookie ram smack-dab into Hill.

Hill and the rookie crashed to the floor, the rookie landing on top of Hill. Hill took note of the rookie's glowing blue eyes, and the steadily advancing Clint, and broke into a thunderous roar.

"READ THE RULES!" she screamed, pushing the rookie off of her.

The rookie took to his feet and ran.

* * *

 **433.** Director Fury does not have a black list, stop saying that he does. He has a _BLACK WIDOW LIST._

 **434.** You are not allowed to put on blue contact lenses and run around yelling 'TEAM LOKI!' Agent Barton will shoot you.

 **435.** Stop buying animal traps and setting them up all over the place. Rocket is not amused, and he might sue.

 **436.** When Ant-Man super-sizes himself, do not yell 'TITANS!"

 **437.** Director Fury is not friends with someone named Dot Pixis.

 **438.** Steve Rogers does not have a long-lost brother named Erwin Smith.

 **439.** Agent Romanov does not have someone named Toris working as her housekeeper.

 **440.** Tony Stark does not have a long-lost sister/cousin/niece/daughter, named Hanji.

 **401.** Agent Coulson does not have a long-lost brother named William T. Spears.

 **402.** When Ant-Man shrinks, do not yell "TINKER BELL!" and run after him asking for pixie dust.

 **403.** If your worst enemy is having a party, you are not allowed to send Vision to cater for them. Even the worst person in the world doesn't deserve to eat Vision's cooking.

 **404.** Vision did not take cooking lessons from someone named Baldroy.

 **405.** The song "Don't You Forget About Me" by Simple Minds is no longer allowed to be played in the hearing of Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes.

 **406.** Sam Wilson does not like green eggs and ham.

 **407.** Do not call Sam Wilson Sam I am.

 **408.** Thor loves Dr. Seuss books. Tease him about it, and he will hurt you.

 **409.** Stop trying to trap Loki in rings of burning oil.

 **410.** On Tuesdays, stay away from Loki though.

 **411.** S.H.E.I.L.D does not have a S.H.E.I.L.D Headquarters Host Club. Stop petitioning Director Fury to make one. And stop breaking vases.

 **412.** Do not play Truth or Dare with any of the Avengers. It will create a cosmic disturbance.

 **413.** You are not allowed under ANY circumstances, to go streaking with Erik Selvig.

 **414.** Do not refer to the Helicarriers as the 'MotherShips.'

 **415.** Steve Rogers is not the rencarnaite King Arthur.

 **416.** You are not allowed to start/or participate in a food fight. We don't care what Thor says, it may be a tradition on Asgard to have food fights after dinner, but it's not on Earth.

 **417.** At no point in his life, was Thor a model for a L'oreal commercial.

 **418\. You crazy Stark-Fans are not allowed to embezzle S.H.E.I.L.D funds in order to make a Iron Man Theme Park. If Tony wants a shrine dedicated to him, he's going to have to use his own money.**

 **419.** Thor and Loki do not have sleepovers with Jane, Pepper, Darcy and Sif, and they do not braid each other's hair.

 **420.** You are not allowed to arrange an all-expenses-paid field trip to the Helicarriers for your child's school.

 **421.** Do not replace guns with fake ammo, or blanks. Agent Romanov was not happy when her pistols shot out confetti, instead of their usually lethal rounds.

 **422.** For all you computer nerds that S.H.E.I.L.D has employed, you are not allowed to hack into Tony's suit and force him to break-dance mid-air.

 **423.** The Hulk and Yoda are in no way related to each other, and S.H.E.I.L.D is not an alternate universe Jedi order. Speculation concerning Jane Foster and Director Fury's roles will stop immediately.

 **424.** Do not use Stark Tech to bring dolls, train sets or any other toys to life. We do not need an actual Chucky movie taking place on-site in S.H.E.I.L.D.

 **425\. Under no circumstances are you to mention a L Lawliet, a Light Yagmi, a Miheal Kheel, or a Nat Rivers around Tony. He has an 'smart' complex because of them.**

 **426.** You are not allowed to use S.H.E.I.L.D funds to purchase and spike eggnog, and consequently get S.H.E.I.L.D personal drunk in the ensuing after-hours Christmas party.

* * *

Now, both Hill and Clint ran after the rookie, Hill brandishing Clint's spare bow. "READ THE RULES!" Hill yelled, pockmarking the wall near the rookie with a dozen arrows.

The poor rookie fainted.

* * *

 **The Rules: 416, 418, 420, 421, 422, 424, and 426, came from the wonderful ideas given to me by Beloved-of-Naruto.**

Now you liked these, right? Pleeeeease say yes!


End file.
